VMA's 2015: A Nip-slip, Fake Penises, Getting High and Sh*tty Fashion — and That’s Just the Host!

WTF in News – VMA edition

Can we just get some music please?

Going into anything music related with MTV is a potshot, we all know the jokes that in ‘80s and ‘90s were the only real times they played music. The amalgamation of MTV has become a reality tv-show and sometimes comedic rhetoric at best; collaborations between every major brand and label in the world. Oh my singer can sing, here is a half nude photo of her giving a Pepsi bottle a blow job. BUY OUR SHIT!  But, like the VMAs, I digress.

We were Oohed and Ahhed by the opening of the show with Nicki Minaj coming out and all but pegging (for those under sixteen, please do not look this term up, moving right along…) the men she was dancing with to “Trini Dem Girls.” My eyes, like everyone’s, could not be torn away from her floppy, more-than-bought fake-implanted asscheeks. She went on to “pop, the pussy… pop-pop the pussy” to the sort of mortification of my family watching along. Was I being a horrible mother letting any of my children watch this? Or was I going to take this time to teach my teenage daughter, watching and tweeting along with me, that in essence this is ALL that is wrong with the “tv music” generation. Sex, even bastardized, sells. Talent is wasted on many as we saw only a handful of true talented individuals this night.

Now, before I seem like some prudish old grandma that needs to hang her girdle up to dry— stay with me. Minaj went on to booty-dance and drop it so many times I am unsure how the feathers on her beautiful headdress even stayed on. Up next was “The Night Is Still Young,” half way through pop-princess Taylor Swift (rose up through the floor) onto the stage. Everything from there on became PG, minus one more attempt at “sexy” Minaj tried to pop the booty and Taylor just wasn’t having it. They then briefly touched on Taylor’s hit “Bad Blood,” Even though these two were beefing publicly on Twitter when the award nominees were announced it seems they squashed that and set out to bring a great opening performance. Unlike Nicki and a clueless Miley later on in the set with (some say) a staged fight, though MTV made a public apology about making anyone uncomfortable.

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Ah, Miley Cyrus, the infamous fuck-up from the Disney tween-era where she could barely tell a lie without having a full meltdown on screen; now has her own real life meltdowns in front of all of us to see and people support her delusions. She had some doozies this night, a fight with Nicki, a really underwhelming comedy-skit with Snoop Dogg. Oh does she gets high? We would have never guessed, and to push the agenda so thick this night was pretty much beyond immature and a dash of oh-get-over-it-already. That awkward moment when you have to push the envelope of shock performance so far it becomes, well… not shocking. She had cannons shoot from her crotch to mimic her spooging all over like a teenage boy and I was more confused that the Flaming Lips went along with facilitating the action. Her fashion choices for the night were all complete fails at one point she was literally a box. The now infamous VMA nip slip, that will never live up to the Super Bowl one. An amazing amount of memes popped up and for that dear internet THANK YOU:

A photo posted by ollyliu (@ollyliu) on Aug 31, 2015 at 7:26pm PDT

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A photo posted by NW Magazine (@nwmag) on Aug 31, 2015 at 4:36pm PDT

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A photo posted by @leroy_jenkins_the_third on Aug 31, 2015 at 6:32pm PDT

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The Good: I wish there was more of this middle ground

Twenty-one Pilots performance with ASAP Rocky was outlandishly good. They channeled rap styling of Eminem and rasta of Marley. The threesome treated us with a medley of Twenty-one Pilot’s  “HeavyDirtySoul” and “Lane Boy” off of their record Blurryface, and “M’$ and L$D” off of Rocky’s AT.LONG.LAST.A$AP.  From start to finish you were locked. The most endearing was the end to the their performance: “Look Mama we made it, we’re on the VMAs.”

I can’t believe I’m reporting this but Justin Bieber’s performance at least had umph. He was not lip-synching, which is rare in Hollywood these days. His choreography kept you engaged but two things stuck out. This man makes a billion dollars a year (not really but lets be obtuse a moment) why can’t he afford a shirt that fits him? His upbeat song “Where Are U Now,” gave way to his dance group having fun and he ended with his new single, “What Do You Mean?” the video was released directly after the performance, in less than 24 hours already has 17.6 million views.

Also, why did he end up flying around like Peter Pan and what pushed him to full on sob on stage? Could it have been his ex Selena Gomez left before his comeback performance? Kind of rude little miss! Realistically it’s the fact his career is back and even after his many arrests, drug stint, pissing in a mop bucket, terrorizing his neighborhood, egging houses, and overall acting like a young-spoiled-obnoxious kid loose in a candy store. We can all forgive the adolescence and when most people act this way. Luckily he made it out pretty much unscathed. He gets a 4 out of 5. The Beebs is back to most everyone’s approval. I like to remember him before he lost his mind and please be prepared for a new hashtag about his new hair. I think his hair is more famous than many artists will ever be.

Tori Kelly – Creme de la creme of this night.  That lady is just talent on tap. Her voice kissed by the almighty Herself. She didn’t need a lot of flashy lights whilst performing her hit “Should’ve Been Us,” even her back-ups were barely audible and her talent so raw at the end of her breathtaking performance was simply her and her vocals. The acapella end spotlighted her endless talent. I’d be remiss to forget in this realm to point out her outfit, hair and makeup were as flawless as her performance.

The Bad: Forgettable

Demi Lovato and Iggy Azalea performed “Cool for the Summer” outside of the Orpheum Theatre. Bizarre costumes and unparalleled off-key undertones left the performance in the lame category. But the ending, which many of us were praying for, was spiffy. It was Demi in a float being drug across the fans and a few huge cannons shooting out tons of confetti. That’s about as explosive as the set got. Iggy was honestly the same flat, talentless hack as always. Isn’t her fifteen-seconds of unbridled crap “sounding like someone else,” up?

Onto the next, that one guy with the sexy voice. The only part to this entire performance that excited every teeny from here to Argentina and back was when Jared Leto (30 Seconds To Mars) said

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The Weeknd gave a lackluster performance of “Can’t Feel My Face,” had there not been pyro to direct you to find him on stage you probably would have slept through it. Sort of like this …

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Couldn’t crack a smile and seem like you weren’t just going through the motions? What has this act become. Maybe he sensed the amount of stink going on this night and was embarrassed to be involved.

Macklemore –  Him. The two spots on this performance that were undeniably awesome were Eric Nally of Foxy Shazam up there doing his thang while looking like Freddy Mercury coming back to life. On his knees on his head, he all but held the show. He’s one of those chameleon actor singers. He gives you a full performance every time you see him. Then any performance including Kool Moe Dee is legendary. Somehow Macklemore still ripped it all down, why did he come in on someone’s shoulders? Made no sense.. It just was not enough to have these cool cameos intertwined into a show. The bodyboard caterpillar action dance move where his dancers threw him under each sweaty neon blasted man was just silly to say it nicely and an epic-fail to say it plainly. I love his enthusiasm but this could have went so many other places with such a star-studded cast.

The Confusing –

Pharrell Williams’ performance, while solid vocally and even visually, (which included fireworks) just fell short. The energy was not there, the crowd was not engaged, I was frankly bored halfway through. No WOW factor. Unfortunate, he usually puts on a hell of a show.

The random amounts of weed smoking points. Miss Mary-Jane was everywhere. We get it you are all high, was anyone sober?

Kanye confused Kanye. Kanye West went on a thirteen-minute rant about Kanye. He talked about him being high, him hurting Taylor Swift’s feelings as an artist and how he just doesn’t know how to communicate properly — but NEVER in there did he really give a formal apology. He did however try to get us to feel sorry for him because when he goes to ball games the whole arena (all 60,000 of them) boo him for his actions. Actions have consequences; I think this is a real news flash for him. I mean he was being all lovey dovey with TayTay when she gave him the award yet minutes before she won an award and he acted like he was SLEEPING (see above). Respect? He has none.

So he ranted about nothing, talked far too long, talked about getting high, artists do art, and oh yeah Kanye for President 2020. A meme popped up less than 20 seconds later.

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Sadly, I’d vote for him over Trump any day..

Ridiculous Styles – strutted the red carpet as well. I think everyone was going for the “Hey we aren’t eating that tonight throw it on my body. Goodwill? NOPE Macklemore showed us how to do this, didn’t he that one time? It looks god awful—  SOLD! THAT IS MY OUTFIT FOR TONIGHT!

The Worst: The gist

Kanye. I think they gave him the award just so he wouldn’t bust into anyone else’s spotlight for once. Anyone else feel like they should rename it to the Kanye’s, and only artist he likes at that moment can be awardees? The Vanguard Award video put together about Kanye was a trite contrast of black KKK hats and white KKK hats, a totally unrelated shot of his wife’s ass in a g-string opening up a trunk to a car and a seemingly innocent look at their child as the outro, to say innocence is fleeting, we are all doomed.  Here’s to a music-world post-Kanye; may I swig enough green smoothies and vitamins to live to see the day.

Miley shouldn’t host, perform, or record any longer. She honestly has lost focus on what music is about and has just become a circus freak-sideshow all being it willingly. She’s taken her real image of a wholesome gal and tarnished it beyond recognition. She had some pipes, some OK acting skills, and a fan base some strive for. Now she dresses up like a clown or a clown prop, simulates sexual acts on stage and can barely keep her clothes on. She is the example of the death of quantifiable music to the MASSES. This is why indie music labels and real musicians are so important; so when we no longer can take this rubbish we still have music out there happening. Keep pushing to everyone with under a million followers. You are better off not being so popular look at what you’d have to sacrifice of yourself to get there!

The VMAs did not shock, they more so confused people into realizing what they are being duped into thinking music-entertainment is. I hope next year they just let Taylor Swift host and bring back the PG-13 rock-enamoured award shows of yesteryear. It seemed like most of the A-listers skipped this circus-act, I wish I could have done the same thing.

 

1/5 stars.

 

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