By: Tim Connors
WTF – In News!
We have foreskin rankings, douchebag pundits, vegans and long awaited animal noises. Take a break from arguing on social media about flags and marriage to enjoy some of my favorite recent stories in this installment of WTF in News!
Mega douche pundit and conservative tv/radio personality Sean Hannity has called for the ban of all rap music for the use of certain words in a negative manner. When I hear stuff like this from a person who spews hate like an uncapped fire hydrant, it leaves me a bit miffed. I totally understand how offensive hardcore rappers like Will Smith and Common can be incredibly frightening with their talk of getting ‘jiggy’ and loving a woman for being a good person. Lupe fiasco talks of riding skateboards and being in love and that can be pretty scary too. Queen Latifah’s anthem ‘Unity’ where she directly addresses the negative nature of rap music in regards to women must have been some sort of subliminal message. Clearly the biggest threat in all of rap music are the christian rappers. Their talk of loving Jesus, building the community and respecting women is an absolute atrocity to our society and it should be stopped. Seriously Mr. Hannity, grow the fuck up.
I think the most ironic part of this story is that he didn’t have much to say about his beloved country music. For shits and giggles, let’s take a ride down the hypocrite-highway and look at some lyrical content of some good ol’ wholesome country tunes of the past and present.
First, lets take a look at Conway Twitty. This mother fucker(literally) has about 50 songs telling stories of promiscuous sex and a little dab of date rape. The songs ‘Tight Fittin Jeans’ and ‘The Want to in Your Eyes’ encourage infidelity and casual sex. Then you got the sweetheart ballad of ‘You’ve Never Been this Far Before’ which describes a kind of date rapey scenerio where Conway-the-Sex-Machine-Twitty describes coaxing a young lady out of her virginity. I envision Mr. Twitty putting a roofie in her longneck so he can insert his longneck below her Mason-Dixon line. Seriously, the majority of his songs are about sex.
Then we have the beloved Reba McEntire with her glorifying ode to prostitution ‘Fancy’ where a proud hooker carries on her family’s tradition of turning tricks. What a fucking joke. Moving on to current Nashville, we have Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats’ where she describes destroying property of a cheating significant other. Um, destruction of private property is illegal. Dumbass. Way to be a role model Carrie, you’re quite the ambassador.
Finally, we have Miranda Lambert with her diddy about murder and improper grammar ‘Gunpowder and Lead’ where she talks of shooting a ex with a shotgun and bragging ‘he ain’t seen crazy yet’. You know what you won’t see if you follow this model? Freedom. But hey, at least you’ll have plenty of time to finish your GED program when you’re spending the rest of your life behind bars. Idiots.
Rock music is just as guilty as rap music, if not more. If Mr. Hannity is going to attack demeaning lyric-content in regards to women he should mention the equally awful lyrics that rock music provides. From Nine Inch Nails wanting to ‘fuck you like an animal’ or Buckcherry’s referencing ‘crazy bitches’, to wholesome family-oriented classics such as Bloodhound Gang’s wanting to ‘do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel’. Maybe Dying Fetus’ ‘Kill your mother, rape your dog’ is just misunderstood. Ya, dude, it’s all rap music’s fault.
Rap music is no better or worse than any other form of modern music. In this day and age, all popular forms of music are mirror images of each other that spread the same message of pop-culture and consumer marketing trash. I’m not an advocate for degrading women at all. However, I am an advocate of free speech, in any form. It’s simple, if you don’t like the music, don’t listen to it.
ALL MY VEGAN LADIES, ALL MY VEGAN LADIES
Beyonce is now vegan. Who gives a shit?
VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
If you read my last edition of ‘WTF’ in News you should remember the article about David Cross of acclaimed band ‘Crosby Stills and Nash’ hitting a jogger with his vehicle in broad daylight. Well, Mr. Crosby is back at it again and he is slowly becoming my favorite celebrity to write about.
While interviewing with Huffpost live, Crosby goes on the verbal version of a hit-and-run by dissing rapper Kanye West. Cross is quoted saying the rapper “can’t write, sing or play.” Cross goes on to say “He’s an idiot and a poser… no talent at all.” He later adds “produce? That means he sits in a chair while the engineer does all the work. He’s a poser and I’m not backing off of it.”
Fuck yes! It warms my heart that this anti-Kanye revolt is in full swing. From the hundreds of thousands of people in England that signed the petition to have the celebrity fame-whore removed from the Glastonbury Music Festival, coupled with actual death threats to festival promoter Emily Eavis for booking Kanye West as a headliner. Now legitimate icons of music are speaking out. Thank you, David Crosby.
Perhaps a petition to permanently remove his vocal chords is the next move. Come on people of Earth we can do this. One signature at a time. Kanye sucks. Viva la resistance!
Fergie and Josh Duhamel are expecting to adopt a second child. One can only have so many Prada purses before they make the move to start collecting designer babies. In all seriousness, why spend all that money on maids and housekeepers when you can just adopt a child, raise it and have them do the same quality of work for free. It’s comforting to know that even the elite understand the concept of saving a buck. Great job Fergie.
Butt-rock superstars, Disturbed, are finally breaking their four-year hiatus to put out a new album. By ‘new album,’ I mean one that is going to sound like their old album. No one could be any less excited than me.
I was thoroughly enjoying my four-year break from hearing awful music with the exception of being in a trashy poolhall where some asshole with a mullet and a Bud Light slips two bucks in the jukebox to hear music that duplicates the sound of him making his a.m. bowel-movement after a night of heavy drinking and Taco Bell.
I understand there is a place for extremely repetitive, bland-but-kind-of-edgy-but-kind-of-ok-for-radio ‘metal’. Five Finger Death Punch fills that role just fine.
There is absolutely no reason to have Disturbed and Five Finger Death Punch actively exist as bands at the same time. At one point, I actually thought they were the same band. I feel it’s best they be forced to fight to the death, with the winner being able to continue making shitty music while ONLY being permitted to tour in the midwest. Obviously, my money is on Five Finger Death Punch. Mainly because of their band name and seeing the singer punch a guy in a music video once.
To my knowledge Disturbed has no notable fighting experience. Can you imagine the horror of both of these terribly predictable bands actually touring together? Unfortunately, it will probably happen. When it does, I will have a couple of questions. First, who would open for whom? Whose pit would be the ‘sickest’, bro? What if they did the whole Billy Joel and Elton John thing where they play each other’s songs? Would the crowd full of drunken spousal-abusers even notice? How many times would I actually hear the words ‘sick’ and ‘twisted’? How many times will I be instructed to ‘raise my fucking fist in the air’?
I can easily envision thousands of rabid, drunk-off-of-cheap-domestic-beer rednecks gathered together for an onslaught of what could easily be a blistering two-hour set of one, continuous, unoriginal song. Until that day arrives, you’ll be able to catch me making the choice to listen to the sound of nails scratching a chalkboard over some dude making awful animal-like noise. Come on guys, you’re making Hatebreed look bad.
For those of you who share the same opinion as myself, I suggest you watch the posted video below. It’s great. Cheers!
FORESKIN BLOODY FORESKIN
World hero and rock legend Bono has severed a few ties in his career, but this one takes the cake. The Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project (yes, it’s a thing) or CAN-FAP for short, has named Bono ‘foreskin enemy #2’. Everything-in-the-world owner ‘Bill Gates’ is listed foreskin enemy #1. Sorry Bono. You can’t be #1 at everything all the time but being runner up in this competition is quite an accomplishment any way you slice it.
With Bono’s mission to snip millions of tips in highly AIDS/HIV-infected areas of Africa, one question comes to mind: does Bono’s boner consist of him peeling it back to take a piss or is he letting it dangle freely without a care in the world? According CAN-FAP president Glen Callender, Bono’s Irish passport reveals that he too has some excess skin on his Joshua tree. Perhaps we found the inspiration behind ‘Still haven’t found what I’m looking for’?
Don’t get me wrong Bono, all of these folks you care about can bloody their own Sunday with or with out you. Your promise of a beautiful day to millions of sexually active/at-risk Africans is best lead by example. However, I do like cut of your jib. Let’s organize a charity event where you publicly snip it in the bud to raise awareness about the epidemic that is slicing through Africa at an alarming rate. Cheers Bono. You’re clearly a cut above the rest.
I hope you enjoyed this instalment of WTF in music news. I look forward to sharing the love, the hate and everything in between the next time we meet. Cheers!