By: Tim Connors
WTF in Music News: From Paris to The West, and an Elderly Rockstar’s Hit-and-Run
By: Tim Connors
Well it looks like I picked a great week to roll out my first edition of WTF in Music News. This has certainly been an eventful past few days in the industry. There’s some good, some bad and some absolutely ridiculous. Lucky for you, I picked the best of the worst to share. Enjoy
The people have spoken!
Finally, the douchebag trend that Kanye West, Paris Hilton and others alike have cast upon the world is beginning to wear off. A single tear of joy was brought to my eye when I read that awakened concert-goers from U.S. and abroad were taking a united stand against terrible music by terrible human beings.
Across the pond in jolly ole England, would-be festival-goers have voiced their outrage over the booking of Kanye West on a headlining slot for this year’s Glastonbury Music Festival. Music liberator/education-worker from Norfolk, England, Neil Lonsdale organized a Change.org petition consisting of approximately 126,000 signatures demanding that Kanye West be removed from the festival’s Saturday night headlining slot.
Lonsdale refers to West as an “insult to music fans all over the world.” You know what? He’s right. I think I speak for roughly 126,000 people and more when I say: Mr. West, the jig is up. We were all subject to the big, fat turd you laid during your grammy performance. I’m confident that the world would’ve been perfectly fine with Beck kicking you in your chipmonk-with-a-mouth-full-of-nuts-looking-face when you interrupted his acceptance speech for his obscure piece of crap that won album of the year. We’ve somehow stomached your visually nauseating music video with your trashy, third-place trophy wife and we’ve turned a blind eye to you naming your child after a GPS command. At some point, the world is gonna dry heave at the idea of you being a relevant figure in music. Hopefully, this is just the beginning. Stay classy Glastonbury.
Meanwhile, back in America the struggle continues. The fight to keep music festivals void of whorey, no-talent attempts at stealing stage notoriety has taken an interesting turn. Another petition has been started on Change.org to prevent the 2005 point of minimal interest/stick-figure known as Paris Hilton from performing a live DJ set at Summerfest, Milwaukee’s multi-genre music megafestival. Petition organizer Thomas Neil touts that Hilton is a “disgrace to dance music and is a perfect example of what spoiled celebrities do when they are bored.” Agreed.
I mean seriously Paris, the bar isn’t set too high here. The fact that you do not possess enough talent to do something that requires no talent speaks volumes. High profile, fist-pump-stock-holding, douchebag DJ Deadmau5 hit the nail on the head when he said “Here’s what you are to everyone who actually knows better: ticket sales, nothing more.” Paris, you just got burned by a guy who thinks he’s being innovative by purposely misspelling his name and wearing a fucking mask while playing other people’s music. Hang the records up, go back to spending money and creating an army of tiny, annoying hand-size dogs.
9/11 made me do it (Or election season)
When presidential longshot/vote-panderer Ted Cruz revealed to CBS’ This Morning that he used to listen to classic rock but made the switch to country music after the morning of 9/11, I nearly lost my shit. The interview consisted of serious, paramount, real-world topics such as what type of music the candidate enjoys. In response to this vital question, Cruz stated “my music taste changed on 9/11.” He goes on to say “I didn’t like how rock music responded,” “and country music, collectively, the way they responded, it resonated with me.”
Am I missing something here? Did Bruce springsteen and Neil Young join ISIS? Is “Born in the USA” not american enough? Was “Rockin in the Free World” an ode to Saddam Hussein? Is Bob Seger a closet jihadist? What about the band that is actually fucking named America? On top of that, there are more than twice the amount of rock songs written in response to 9/11 than there are country. Springsteen alone has more than five on the topic. Try using Google sometime, asshole.
There are a couple of things that are pretty clear to me here. First, the above-mentioned statements in the interview are simply a ploy to gain momentum for the GOP nomination. Second, it’s pretty obvious that senator Cruz does not listen to country music at all. If he did he would’ve realized that country music has morphed into a shitty blend of rap, rock and pop music. Gone are the golden days of Hank’s “Family Tradition”, Garth Brooks telling us about his “Friends in Low Places” and Brooks and Dunn telling us how to “Boot Scoot Boogie.” Truth be told, country music died right before 9/11. Now we have an Australian singing american country who happens to be prettier than his wife, a scrawny bag of bones telling us about her long list of ex-lovers and some jack ass with a half EDM half pop-country song telling me that tonight it’s bottoms up.
Great group of people to align yourself with, Mr. Cruz. I’m sure you’ll ride that “Crazy Train” all the way to a well deserved primary loss.
Look both ways before you “Southern Cross” the street
This past Sunday geriatric child of the 60’s/singer-songwriter David Crosby of Crosby, Stills and Nash hit jogger Jose Jimenez with his car. The victim suffered multiple fractures and was airlifted to a hospital in Santa Barbara, according to California Highway Patrol Spokesperson, Don Clotworthy. Crosby hit the joint, I mean jogger at approximately 50 mph. In what sounds like a bad quote from a Crosby, Stills and Nash song, Clotworthy describes Nash as “driving into the sun” and “did not see the male pedestrian directly ahead of him who was jogging toward the right side of the roadway.”
At some point this madness has to stop. We can’t let half blind senior citizens cruise around looking for joggers to mow down just because they’re bored. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, senior citizens accounting for 14 percent of all traffic fatalities and 17 percent of all pedestrian fatalities. Furthermore, A single jogger is only worth three points in the vehicular assault game.
The state of California has an obligation to revoke the license of this white whiskered, out of control vigilanti or give him a 1974 Cadillac and ship him off to Syria to plow through ISIS. I am disappointed that Crosby Earnhardt Sr. wasn’t more ambitious when playing a game that involves running people over. Go big or go home grandpa. Three points is a fucking joke.
Mammas don’t let your babies grow up to be stoners.
Country music legend and long time marijuana advocate Willie Nelson has recently announced that he will be launching his own strain of marijuana. I know. Go figure.
Cleverly named “Willies Reserve”, the 81 year-old-staple in the weed community will throw his cowboy hat in the ring of designer marijuana strains. While there isn’t too much information on the genetics behind the strain (indica, sativa) there are plenty of reassuring phrases from the brands PR spokesman Michael Bowman. Comforting quotes like the application of Nelson’s “personal morals and convictions” in regard to all aspects of the supply chain bring a sigh (or cough) of relief. When asked of the quality of the product, Bowman responded with the high grade smoke being “reflective of his passion.”
I think this is a great thing. Not only because I thoroughly enjoy smoking the devil’s lettuce, but because I think Nelson is a good candidate to convince conservative opponents of legalization that the stigma behind the drug having no medical value and being some sort of gateway to hell on Earth are false. I love you Snoop Dogg, but ultra-conservative white folks aren’t gonna take your word for it. I look forward to strolling into a shop to purchase some of “Willie’s Reserve” and a greatest hits record to roll blunts on.
This concludes this weeks edition of WTF in Music News! Check back with me next time to see what kind of gems I pluck from the bowels of the music industry!